So You're About to Live in a Dystopia...

Now that all of us in the United States can look forward to the upcoming orange spray-tan driven apocalypse, we should look at some of the best in post-apocalyptic and dystopian film fiction to gain insight into the world in which we may end up living.  With the help of some not at all made up scientists, I've developed a handy probability scale that I like to call the "Totally Scientific Probability of Happening," or "TSPH" for short.*  Because if we can't laugh about this, then the terrorists have already won.

The Matrix (1999)
TSPH: 15%
As much as we may want to believe in a techno-punk Jesus coming to save us all, this future just became much more unlikely.  The new regime's focus on politics and belief over things like empirical data and science, makes it highly unlikely we'll advance technology enough to be overthrown by sentient artificial intelligence.  On the plus side, we can already make like Cypher and strap on some Matrix-y tech like the Oculus Rift or the HTC Vive to bask in the reality-numbing comfort of virtual reality.
Pros: Reality-bending super powers, Christ-like savior, cave raves.
Cons: Eternal servitude to our robot overlords, gooey body pods, cave raves
See also: The Terminator  (1984)

The Road Warrior (1981) / Mad Max: Fury Road (2015)
TSPH: 80%
As funding for research into renewable resources decreases dramatically and we throw all of our chips back into the oil pot, while simultaneously ignoring the science surrounding climate change, Max's barren post-apocalyptic wasteland feels almost inevitable.  For the record, I don't want to be first in line to become a War Boy or one of Lord Humungus' gang.  My teeth are absolutely fine without being shiny and chrome, and leather straps simply aren't flattering to my figure.  That said, what with its constant fighting over water and gas, this future is sure to be pretty bleak.  But hey, at least we will have some kick-ass cars, right?
Pros: Kick-ass cars
Cons: Slavery, constant famine and drought, death by everything, Mel Gibson
See also: Waterworld (1995)

Children of Men (2006)
TSPH: 52%
This film's dystopia hinges on the fact that women can no longer physically conceive.  Since women are about to become second-class citizens, I wouldn't be surprised if we get there by choice instead of biology...although giving women a choice in the matter isn't exactly priority one either.  However, the story's depressing commentary on the spread of isolationism, immigration, and xenophobia almost feels like documentary at this point.  In this future, we can look forward to gray, lots of gray, and several long tracking shots.
Pros: Um, government-issued suicide assistance kits?
Cons: Famine, malaise, xenophobia, war, general depression
See also: Brazil (1985) 

Robocop (1987)
TSPH: 89%
The fact that current day Detroit already resembles the wasteland of crime and poverty depicted in Robocop's version of the city automatically boosts this dystopia's probability.  What's more, if the rhetoric of the past few years wasn't just campaign bluster, then police powers could easily increase to the unfettered levels of "justice" at which both Robocop and the glitchy ED-209 operate.  Of course, giving away that kind of power should only effect you if you're a criminal, right?
Pros: Awesome cyborg police, great catchphrases ("Dead or alive, you're coming with me")
Cons: Evil corporations, rampant drugs and violence, terrible 80s fashion
See also: Escape From New York (1981)

12 Monkeys (1995)
TSPH: 67%
This one is tricky.  I'm tempted to say that this future, wherein a deadly biological agent wipes out most of humanity, is unlikely for the same reasons as The Matrix.  However, the military industrial complex isn't likely to decrease as the temper and bravado of our leader increases.  As we throw more research and money at the development of weapons, it might only be a matter of time before some enterprising scientist develops a super strain that blasts through the population like a k-pop earworm.
Pros: Time-travel, a Bruce Willis that actually gives a shit
Cons: Aforementioned super-strain of disease, Gilliam-esque prisons.
See also: 28 Days Later (2002), Dawn of the Dead (1978)

Dr. Strangelove or: How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Bomb (1964)
TSPH: 95%
The premise of Dr. Strangelove is that we are only one emotionally and mentally unstable man away from nuclear holocaust.  Need I say more?  The only thing that makes this scenario less likely is that the target of the rogue nuclear strike is Russia.  In reality, it'll probably be China or North Korea, or, god help us, Mexico. 
Pros: Hilarious bumbling president, free rides on errant nuclear bombs
Cons: Nuclear fallout, world-ending war with Russia or whomever
See also: Fail Safe (1964)

Idiocracy (2006)
TSPH: 100%
We just elected President Camacho.  This has already happened.

So which world do you want to live in?  It's hard to choose from so many great options.  

On a more serious note, the good news is that the world isn't actually ending – it just feels like it.  I believe that in the long run, our Republic is resilient enough to bounce back from whatever missteps we make along the way.  I also have unending faith in our Congress' commitment to bureaucratic non-action.  In the short run, things might be painful, but just think of all the great political comedy coming our way over the next four years.  We'll be laughing so hard it'll hurt.   

*All percentages were brought to you by Nate Silver and his staff of statistical geniuses over at fivethirtyeight.com so you know that they are completely reliable.**

**The previous statement about fivethirtyeight.com is completely false, and a joke, and you should be ashamed of yourself for thinking otherwise.